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Misbehaving – Dr. Alyson Schafer
Constant interruptions while on the phone, dawdling, power struggles, and kids who “forget” everything they need for school: Dr. Alyson Schafer helped parents see these common misbehaviors through new eyes when she spoke in the Bay Area for the Common Ground Speaker Series this week.
One of Canada’s foremost parenting experts, a psychotherapist, and author of “Breaking the Good Mom Myth”, “Honey I Wrecked the Kids”, and most recently, “Ain’t Misbehaving”, Dr. Schafer’s talk “Ain’t Misbehaving”, looked at some of the creative ways kids try to find belonging and significance when they don’t know how to do it in a positive way.
She talked about the need of children to feel connected, capable, that they count, and to have courage. When kids feel they are connected, capable, that they count, and have courage, they behave in pro-social or positive, constructive ways. When they don’t feel these “4 Cs”, they adopt “mistaken” behaviors (that are often annoying, defiant, hurtful, or defeated) to achieve their goal of belonging and significance.
To be effective, we need to learn to understand the message behind the misbehavior. We also need an understanding of how we sometimes contribute to “the dance” of misbehavior.
Some tips for parents from Dr. Schafer:
- Children mustn’t feel defeated by us – parents should disengage from power struggles (“drop the rope”), control their own actions, and invite cooperation
- Kids need to have choices (that parents can live with) to satisfy their human need to have some power over their own lives
- Seek to control the situation – not the child
- Be curious about your child’s point of view. How are they feeling about things?
- Use humor – it’s an especially effective way to say “I’m not against you”
- View problems as situations that need solutions instead of viewing kids as “bad” or needing “discipline”
- Use weekly family meetings to solve problems that arise and get everyone’s ideas for a solution
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